I was born with a condition called sagittal craniosynostosis. It basically means that part of my skull was prematurely fused and lacked the soft spot needed for head growth. It’s a fairly common defect but if it goes untreated it can cause deformity, seizures, or even death. Though I now know how lucky I was to be able to receive that surgery, I grew up ashamed of my scar. As many of you can likely identify with, anything that makes you stand out from other kids makes you a potential target to bullies. I was called so many names as a kid that I feared ever having my hair cut short.
As an adult I had grown so weary of having to explain where the scar came from to every curious customer and casual acquaintance that I started making up stories about the origin of my large, distinctive scar. Aside from shame and annoyance, there was another potential issue that arose from the surgery. Any time there is trauma to the skull (even with planned surgery) there can be negative behavioral side effects.
Fast forward to 2014 and I was experiencing depression, anxiety, outbursts of anger, and hopelessness, and neither medicine nor therapy seemed to be helping. My therapist suggested that I get my brain activity mapped by a specialist in quantitative electroencephalography. A qEEG can show where activity is occurring in the brain and whether certain areas or over or under-performing. It informs doctors how to better address issues such as post-traumatic stress or ADHD. When the doctor looked at my brain map he told me that he hadn’t seen stress levels (red areas in brain are overworked) as high as mine outside of combat veterans or brain surgeons.
In the seven years since I had my brain mapped I’ve learned a lot more about my personal history. Not only did I incur two other traumatic head injuries as a child but I also learned that I am an abuse survivor (it’s amazing how much abuse one can rationalize and normalize). So really there was a grab bag of reasons why my brain was so overloaded. Once I had a better understanding of what I was up against both historically and physiologically I faced the task of convincing my brain and my inner child that we were now safe. What that looked like was learning to be more mentally present while my body did healthy, safe activities. Things like cycling, hiking, and climbing all sent the message to my brain that I was strong and safe and capable.
So today I chose to make a self-portrait to mark my progress on this journey I’ve been on. I made an in-camera multiple exposure with the first exposure capturing me lit with red light as I’m curled up and out of focus. It’s both my inner child and the overworked areas of my brain. This self sits inside the second, larger self where I’m standing stronger and more defined than ever.
